December Daily - Day 02

Telltales's Game Of Thrones game looks really good!
I'll probably never play it, but I'm certainly going to enjoy watching the play throughs on YouTube.

I found this today, exactly at the right time, when I needed it!

I've been finding myself having anxiety attacks pretty regularly, and over really trivial things, like the dishes, and if I drop things! So I need to find a way to calm myself down. I'm hoping to do some meditation classes, and my doctor wants me to start riding a bike!

I'm going to try and do my own "50 Things To Be Happy About..." list.

I have a question for my readers, particularly the ones who use planners/journal/notebooks... How many notebooks do you have going at once? Do you have multiple? I have so many notebooks/journals etc... and they always end up half full, and then I'm bored of them... How do I stop that???? :)

See you tomorrow!

When I'm Feeling Down

When I'm feeling depressed, anxious, sad or angry these are a few things that I do to help me feel better.

I watch Youtube videos of play-throughs of my favourite games.

My favourites are The Yogscast.

They are hilarious and just listening to them joke around while trying to get to the moon in Minecraft is an instant mood lifter.

Listen to music.

It depends on how I'm feeling, as to what music I will listen to.

I have a few playlists on my computer that correspond to what I'm feeling.

I have ANGRY, which is full of fast angry sounding rock songs and songs with titles like "Fuck You" (Lily Allen), "I Don't Care" (Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier) and "I Hate Everything About You" (Three Days Grace) etc.

I have SAD, which is full of sad, ballads. That even though they're sad songs, make me feel better! Songs like, "Your Guardian Angel" (Red Jumpsuit Apparatus), "Come Away to The Water" (Maroon 5) and "Fix You" (Coldplay) etc.

When I'm feeling anxious, I usually turn to 8track.com.

I usually go for the mixes that feature instrumental songs from Soundtracks, epic scores from Lord of The Rings, Gladiator and Inception etc.

I'm currently listening to Feel Something. (which has 62 tracks in it)

Feel Something from fabfilmer008 on 8tracks Radio.

The best thing about listen to 8track while you're anxious, is you can only skip tracks 5 times every hour, so you have to listen to the whole song! You find yourself lost in a world of awesome!

Bake.

Cupcakes, usually!

I always have ingredients for cupcakes around.

This is sometimes a problem, because usually the reason for my anxieties is the dirty kitchen, so I can't really bake... but either way, baking always makes me feel better.

I like experimenting with different flavours, ingredients and cooking times.

I'm yet to make the perfect cupcake... but one day!

Play video games.

Usually Minecraft or Skyrim.

I love opened ended games where you can just wander around and explore.

Sometimes, I might want to do a quest, but usually I just explore.

*****

What are some things you do when you're feeling down?

leave a comment and let me know.

<3 Molly

Gym Bunny

No Vlog today.

I'm not feeling very confident at the moment.

I can't, "just vlog" I need to prepare myself.

I did, however, do something quite scary.

I joined the gym.

*gasp*

I know, I know, it's just a gym.

My last gym experience was BAD with a capital BAD!

I went for a month, felt so uncomfortable so I stopped going.

But still continued to pay.

Then when the payment plan ended.

The gym rang me and asked me to renew.

I told them I hadn't been to the gym in 11 months.

They asked why, I said because they didn't care.

Anyway!

I joined a new gym. It opens on Friday.

It's a Snap Fitness gym and it's 24 hours.

So I'll be exercising at midnight probably.

Like right now! If it was open I would be going.

The owner dude person (I don't think he's the owner)

had been "bugging" me to join.

He's one of those gym types etc.

But was nice and honest.

I could sense that he's a genuine person.

So gym.

I really want an iPod nano.

Not that I need one because I have an iPhone.

But the battery is really bad.

At least with a Nano I don't need to worry about wasting my phone battery.

So I might make it a goal.

I have the money to buy one.

But instead, I'm going to make it a reward.

If I go to the gym for 10 hours I will buy myself an iPod Nano.

Anyway.

I don't really know what to do with myself.

I'm feeling a little less anxious than yesterday

but I'm still feeling a little "lost"

it's a weird feeling.

Love you lots.

xoxo

Confidence!

My sister and my cousin have started NaNoWriMo, there is no way I can write 50,000 words in a month. I don't have that sort of drive, or any ideas good enough to make into a novel! So I will spend the next month just bumming around, playing Minecraft and doing whatever!
I'm having issues at the moment, with family members as well as personal things. Mostly my weight :( and complete lack of confidence and jealously over people who are fat and full of confidence! HOW DO THEY DO THAT? I've been trying to be more confident, but I've been finding it really draining... maybe I'm just too lazy to be confident. I have been feeling really down and tired over the past week or two. One of my close friends is moving away, no more movies nights with her :(

I have decided to do a pic spam and hopefully cheer myself up a little :D

tobuscus being cute! 

if jupiter was closer to earth

how i feel about life right now

my little pony personified! i love pinkie pie!

That will do! I'm off to make sets on Polyvore and watch TobyGames on youtube!! I want to be happier. It will come! :D

Can't Be Fucked

No 365 Project post today, just 2 gifs showing how I feel right now.

I think Hades & Alan Rickman do a good job of explaining.
And todays post was "Things that make you happy" HA! Yeah right.

That is all.

So I have to change my hair colour. It needs to be more "natural" and I'm upset about it. I REALLY LOVE THIS COLOUR, but if I want to go back to work I'll have to change it. I didn't cry at work about it, and I haven't cried about it yet, but I might. I'm upset and angry, but part of me knew that there would be a chance that I would have to change it, and I'm already kind of over the looks I got. They're not bad looks, but they're different. I bought a 8 wash natural brown to run through my hair and hopefully that will tone it town... but I'm thinking it might just be easier to just get a permanent darker red colour. I don't want to run the brown through and make it look like shit.

BREATHE

I tried to be myself. I tried to stop worrying about what others thought, I finally decided to stop fucking caring, and now I'm back to the beginning, it was thrown back in my face.

BREATHE

Whatever. I might just buy some black hair dye and go back to being a depressed little girl in a happy smiling mask. That's what they seem to want.

my thoughts on the world

so there was an earthquake in Japan, that resulted in a tsunami that pretty much destroyed the coast of Japan. The death toll is like 50 at the moment, but it is going to be a lot higher. The earthquake didn't cause much damage (unlike the Christchurch earthquake) but the Tsunami, that's another story. People are saying the world is coming to an end... all I can say is.... GET BACK UNDER YOUR ROCKS AND GET OVER IT. THE WORLD IS NOT COMING TO A END. EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS, TSUNAMIS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, BUT THE MEDIA AND INTERNET MAKES IT SO EASY FOR NEWS TO SPREAD! Did you hear about the Earthquake that was in China the day before the Japanese one??? Not much news on that one! over 200,000 homes destroyed and over 50 people dead... but you didn't hear about it did you??? because it happened in an area of China were the government have a media blackout! WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT QUEENSLAND IN AUSTRALIA IS FLOODING AGAIN?? Most people outside of Australia don't know that.... and did you know that when QUEENSLAND flooded earlier this year, WESTERN AUSTRALIA was flooding too? I had to go to work with signs that said "Donate to Queensland" while my own state was flooding! I had to be the one that had to deal with the angry customers, who knew people who lost their homes.... why didn't we raise money for WA?

It makes me sick that people are taking advantage of the situation for their own gain. SERIOUSLY THE HUMAN RACE MAKES ME SICK SOMETIMES! I donate my $20, for WA floods, QLD floods, Christchurch, and then Japan. I'm happy too, it's all I can really afford to, but it will help... every little bit does. But people who set up fake charities to collect money, or even random trolls on the internet that make up untrue news stories. The PEOPLE (yes, they're people too) in Japan, have lost their homes, their jobs, THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS!!! THEIR FUCKING LIVES! and all you care about is how much attention it will get you one the internet, or how much money you can steal of hardworking people, who just want to help. DON'T DONATE TO ANYONE YOU DON'T KNOW, DO NOT GIVE MONEY WHO KNOCK AT YOUR DOOR, EVEN IF THEY HAVE RECEIPTS! JUST DON'T, if you want to donate, go into a bank that has a fund setup, go onto the website of the Red Cross, Salvos etc.

I read a post on tumblr. it was an anon message to a girl I follow, ridiculing her for not caring enough and how she should pray for the people of japan. The girl replied that she didn't pray, so the anon replied back that if she doesn't pray she'll go to hell.... WHAT THE FUCK! I'm a catholic, I pray every now and then, BUT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS NOT RELIGIOUS SHOULDN'T MEAN THEY SHOULD GO TO HELL. EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINIONS, I DON'T JUDGE. A GIRL AT WORK HAS DECIDED THAT SHE IS GOING TO START GOING TO CHURCH AFTER SHE TALKED TO SOMEONE, SHE'S GOING TO BE A MORMON. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THAT.... MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE ATHEISTS. I try not to judge. I don't want to be judged, but I know I am. DON'T JUDGE ME, I WON'T JUDGE YOU!

WARNING - Whole post is EMO RANT/SAD. You don't have to read.

I'm so fucking depressed. Stupid packing. I packed 5 boxes and you can't even fucking tell. Why am I such a superficial hoarder of shit. Most of it isn't even important... it's just stuff, that I can't even manage to throw away. I need some serious help. Who wants to come over and throw out half the shit in my room???? And how the fuck am I going to move into a tiny room. My mind is making it seem bigger than it actually is. I remember a bed and a TV and the grab between being tiny, not enough space for my fat arse to get through. And the boxes just keep piling up in my room. There is seriously 20 of them now. But there is no where else for them to go, because the whole house is full. I NEED TO BE BRUTAL!

Also depressed about studying. Because I'm such a lazy bitch. Seriously, how hard is it to actually open the file with the information and read? or write a little information about a photo? It's just all a bit more involved than I was expecting. :(

I REALLY HATE PACKING. plus I have kitty litter in my eye, and I'm tired. BAH!



I wish I had fire for hair.

TRIBBLES

I was going to withdraw from my interior design course today. I had a sad, and am doubting myself, whether I'll be able to finish, but then I decided "NO I CAN DO IT!" So I'm going to get over myself and do some work this weekend. I have 5 days off. I was going to go to perth, but I'm not anymore, so I'm just going to stay at home, spread myself out on the kitchen table and do some serious work.

I ordered a Tribble from Think Geek yesterday. For all those that do not know what a Tribble is... shame on you! Tribbles are fictional animals (which are neither male nor female) in the Star Trek universe who first appeared in the episode titled "The Trouble With Tribbles". They are depicted as small, soft, and gentle, and as producing a soothing purring sound.

I ordered a small one (I think the same size as the one in Kirks' hand above) It will come in a random shade of brown, grey or black... I hope I get a grey one. If you want to spend un-necassary money... go to Think Geek. DO IT! I dare you! But don't say I didn't warn you. :P

I'm so close to having a full time job it's not funny. I'm not allowed to say anything about it, because it's a secret, and the job is being created JUST FOR ME! I'm so excited, it's such an interesting area to work. I really hope it all works out. WISH ME LUCK.

That's all for today. Going to watch the Academy Awards tonight, even though I know who wins. I'm still going to watch it. :D

I Bet You're Sick Of These.

Life is pretty sucky, but what else is new. I'm trying to stay positive, trying to stay happy and healthy... but sometimes, trying is a really hard thing to do.


I would really love to have a clean and organised room free from boxes and dust.
I really want to be in a new house... like now!
I WANT MY IMAC
I want to be in Perth with my friends. I'm thinking Freo Markets, IKEA, Comic Book stores, train rides etc.
I DON'T WANT TO WORK ON FRIDAY.
I want the weird dull pain in my right leg to go away.
I want to actually have some time to do some study...

It's RAINING!

I've discovered Charlieissocoollike on YouTube.

He's funny, and awesome, and Stephen Fry does the sign off...

I did successfully finish ONE QUESTION on an assessment that was supposed to be in on 2nd January, now if only I could finish the others. If I actually got off my arse and stopped wasting time blogging and actually did some work AHHHHHHHH! I'm stupid.... "I'll wait until I have my new computer" "I'll wait until I have my new room..." but that's just PROCRASTINATION is disguise!

I'm off to bed. I was going to do a Things I Love Thursday and schedule it for tomorrow (because I'm too busy to even think about it tomorrow, but I have a headache, my leg still hurts and I'm ever so slightly depressed)

:(

feeling a bit blah today.

the new owners are going to be here tomorrow.

i really should tidy a little.

but it depresses me.

my mother is here.

i still feel so awkward around her.

no one should feel like that around your own mother.

she's like a different person now.

it's not a bad thing. i'm glad that she's sorting her life out.

i just feel left behind.

lost.

empty.

things i don't like feeling.

i miss her.

i hate not knowing what sort of things i'll feel when i get up in the morning.

i could of seriously stayed in bed all day today.

but life has to move on.

i have to keep moving forward.

i'm making my life as busy as possible.

so i don't spend much time with my own thoughts.

if my brain is preoccupied with other things

i don't have time to feel sorry for myself.

 

Emotional Rambles

Feeling sad and depressed today. My nose hurts because I got sunburnt, I miss having my mum at home and the prospects of moving out scares me. I think I want to move out, I think I'm ready, it's just scary, and it's not like I don't want to leave my home (well I do, but whether I move out on my own or not, we still have to move out anyone, because it's sold). The idea of someone living in the house I've lived in for 24 years is very sad, but I know I don't have a choice. The sheer enormity of the task of packing up my room is actually starting to give me nightmares. There are pros and cons of moving out with a friend.

PROS

• more room for all my shit.
• social factors (not sure if it's a pro or a con :D)
• Possibly of getting my own cat (roommate wants dog :D)
• Away from family.

CONS

• pay more rent (max $150 a week, as opposed to $100 a fortnight board)
• tiny room if I stay at home. won't be able to fit everything in my room now, into a tiny room.
• Can't paint/renovate rental.
• Away from family.
• Extra costs (for appliances, power, water, gas etc.)

I realise there are more CONS at the moment. Doesn't matter how many times I write this PRO/CON list, I can't afford to move out at the moment. I was going to go in and resign from Blockbuster this morning, but Boss is away, and I really need all the extra money I can make, so there really is no way I can resign until I have more shifts at Target, or another second job. Did I ever mention before, how much I HATE money?

And to add to all the other stress, I'm trying to decide if I should withdraw from my course. I haven't done any work on it yet, and with all this shit that's going on I'm not really in the right frame of mind to do it, but my problem is, I have until 27th January to withdraw and not have to pay anything, after that date I have to pay a certain percentage.... but if I withdraw before that date... what if I regret it later? I just had a look at the withdrawal policies and it looks harder to withdraw than it does to just finish the course. And knowing me, this is just a faze I'm going through because I'm feeling a little depressed. I think I need to get myself organised. I've started the new year a mess, literally, emotionally, physically and mentally, so I need to clean up. And that is where I'll leave you today. Back into real life mode tomorrow.

SOLD!

DISCLAIMER: I'm so upset at the moment. I'm shaking and finding it really hard to type. I have work in an hour, that's why I decided to have my emotional breakdown now, I was just holding it in. but I didn't want it to happen at work, so this is it happening now. I don't know who reads this but I just want everyone to know that I do love my parents and family, but sometimes I just don't like them very much.

17 days ago an evil man (who isn't really evil, I just think he is) came and put a for sale sign up in front of our house... well today my parents signed the forms... it's SOLD, the house I've lived in all my life has been sold so complete strangers. Do you know what my mum said to me when I walked into her office this afternoon? "guess what? you're homeless." THANK YOU MUM, IF I WASN'T ALREADY DEPRESSED ENOUGH NOW YOU HAVE TO GO AND BE FUCKING INSENSITIVE. IT'S PERFECTLY FINE FOR YOU TO UP AND FUCKING LEAVE AND THEN PRACTICALLY FORCE DAD INTO SELLING THE HOUSE, AND THEN YOU SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL EVEN MORE DEPRESSED ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE.

At least the people who have bought our house seem nice. They've been to look at the house twice, they're from Perth, the man is an artist (I don't what sort) and the women is a Chinese Herbalist (or something) They have 3 children (aged between 8-13 it seems, I'm not really sure) and because they're from Perth, they won't be moving to Albany until June, so they are letting us rent the house until then. It's going to be hard. Apparently after Death of a close family member, Parents splitting up and moving house are the 2 of the most stressful things ever... I've got to deal with both, plus added work stress, the stress of studying, money problems, weight issues... blah blah blah....

AT LEAST MY XMAS SHOPPING IS DONE!

Birthday News

It was my birthday yesterday. Thank you to everyone for their birthday wishes. I had a good day considering the current family situation. It was relaxed and fun, I only found myself feel a little sad once. I didn't get much. It was more just having the family over. I did get a $30 iTunes voucher (which I used to download My Chemical Romances new album Danger Days, and I also got an Audiobook.... Nerd Do Well by (the fucking awesome) Simon Pegg... read by Simon Pegg (it is seriously the best audiobook I've ever listened to, even better than The Bro Code by Barney Stinson aka Neil Patrick Harris). 

Danger Days - The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys by MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

Simon Pegg with his new book

I also received a $50 book voucher, which I'm going to use to pay for the book I currently have on order, The Art of Drew Struzan. I'm not sure when it will arrive but it will one day.

I also got an iPod Music System, it's pretty much just a flash clock radio/cd player/ipod dock. But it has a CD Player which is a little weird... I haven't had a CD Player for YEARS!

SO that's the semi exciting stuff, now for the minor emo moment.

I'm having second thoughts about my Interior Design course. 2 years is such a long time, and I've never been the one to stick to anything.... this blog if probably the most permanent and longest running project I've ever started. But on the other hand I really want to do it, and am afraid that if I decide not to do it, later on I will regret it. My counselor (who from now on will be referred to as Hazel) said that I need to be a little bit more adventurous, I need to step away from what's comfortable and be bold, because if I don't I'll end up regretting a lot when I'm older. And she's equally excited about this course as I am, I just wish my parents would be excited... the first thing dad said was "How much?" the first thing mum said was "Is it accredited?"... NO "Well done", "I'm so proud of you" :( BUT I AM GOING TO DO THIS COURSE. I know there isn't much of a market for interior designers in Albany, but maybe I'm suppose to be that.

First non course project... Decorating my mums' new house. It's old... like epically old, and full of dark wood, but it's such a nice place. I possibly might consider moving in with her in the future, even though I'd rather be in my own place... not on my own, just away from my parents... seriously, they're more emo than me sometimes.

That's it for today. I'm going to try and aim for 1000 blog posts TOTAL by the end of the year. Considering I started this blog on the 1st January, it would be fitting to have 1000 posts by then :)

i was about to runaway

Had a emotional breakdown today.

I completely lost it.

There was no one home, and I was going to get into my car and leave.

I don't know where I was going to go. I was just going.

But mum and dad came home before I left.

I talked with mum a little.

Then she turned it and started going on about herself... again.

I was going to scream at her, but luckily didn't.

After I had relaxed, mum, dad and I went out to two peoples bay.

We climbed over the rocks and chased crabs. It was fun.

I discovered that if I sit and do nothing for too long I feel sad and depressed.

So I have to keep myself occupied.

I'm afraid that I'll never have any children. For couple of reasons.

1) PCOS (even though I don't have it bad. it scares me)

2) too shy to go out and meet people.

I was looking for a local psychologist last night.

But mum thinks I should try weight watchers. I think having a support network will help.

I just need to socialise. I'm like a Sim in Sims 2. My Social bar is getting lower, soon, if I don't socialise, the Social Bunny will appear. And I don't want him too, cos he's creepy.

I downloaded some music from new bands.

Secondhand Serenade (I like one of their songs, Fall For You... until it was played a hundred million times on the radio)

and Automatic Loveletter. 

The lead singer, Juilet Simms, sings in one of Secondhand Serenades' songs.

I love them both.

Fave songs so far are, Something More by Secondhand Serenade and Make-Up Smeared Eyes by Automatic Loveletter.

Juliet Simms is quite good looking. I sense a girl crush.

 So. I MUST STAY POSITIVE. and OCCUPIED.

Princess Geek  

xoxo

to you know who.

Feeling sad and depressed because everyone seems to be having such hard times in their lives and I feel bad for feeling so good. I know I've had my far share of shit, but everything that is happening to my friends is worse. One of my friends, mother has been diagnosed with Cancer, and I don't know how to comfort her. I've never, in my life had to deal with something like this. I've never been the comforting kind of friend. I'm the clown that made her laugh when she was having boy problems, I don't know how to deal with something like this. Something REAL.
All I can do, is be honest, and be myself. So this is for you. I know you'll like it. It's a Sharlto Copley picspam. It's hard to do a picspam of someone that has only been in 2 films in his whole entire life.

i love this photo, so you will to. it makes him look old, and you can see all his flaws, but that's why i love it.

All I can say, is I love you, and I'm here for you if you need it. I apoligise if I'm awkward about it, but the truth is, like you, I just don't know how to deal with this sort of stuff.

Princess Geek  

xoxo

Backlit Medley

Finally got around to watching Inception, and it was amazing. I loved it, and want to see it again. My thoughts here.
I'm feeling lost in the whole blogging thing. I don't really know what I want to do or not. LiveJournal, Blogger, something new. I hate being indecisive.
Feeling trapped and lonely. As much as I loved going to the movies on my own yesterday, I wish there was someone I could of invited. My closest friend doesn't have much in common with me. She likes anime and manga, fine I like anime and manga too, but not the the extent she does, and we don't like the some music, and our film tastes are a little different. I love her of course, but I just wish I had something more in common with her.
All my other friends are online (I've met one of them) but they seem to be quiet online at the moment, mostly because they have lives =D and other than them I have my sisters and the people I work with, and that's it. Mum tells me to go out and meet people, but I just can't. I feel so uncomfortable socializing with people, at work I'm fine, I have my job to do and I do it, but I don't do small talk, I don't mingle. And from what I've seen of the people in town (no offense to any of them reading this) they're not a very exciting bunch.... work all week, get drunk on Friday and Saturday night, send Sunday sobering up, back to work on Monday and repeat. And I don't drink, so that pretty much excludes me from most of Albany's social scene.
I'm turning 24 this year. And I've never done anything. I have no social experience whatsoever. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to go out.... it's a lose/lose situation really. that all comes down to one thing.... my stupid weight =(
Today I was suppose to get up early and go for a walk, but of course that didn't happen. My alarm went off and I rolled over and turned it off. Tonight I'm going to set my alarm and but my clock on the other side of my room so I have to get up and out of bed to turn it off.
I did however do ONE of the things I planned. I went out to Harvey Norman and bought a new 1.5Tb hard drive. Then promptly handed it over to Nigel so he can fill it with awesome stuff, including The A Team movie, and lots of e-comics and movies. So I'm excited. So I have something to look forward too.
I'm not looking forward to Jury Duty next week. I really hope I don't get chosen, because I'm not in the right frame of mind to deal with someone elses' shit. Maybe if I burst into tears just as I'm about to be chosen, they won't choose me. Hopefully my job at Blockbuster will mean I won't have too, cos I know everyones' phone numbers and addresses and shit.

That's enough today. I'll leave you in peace.



Princess Geek  
xoxo

=(

I'm trying to stop myself from crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep. I just feel so drained and sore and sad. I'm browsing We Heart It trying to find some inspiration, something to stop me feeling like this, but it's not working.

Not even Ewan McGregor standing in the middle of field full of Daffodils works. Doctors appointment on Monday, hopefully she will inspire me to take better care of myself.

Princess Geek  
xoxo